i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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