i think my tv is drunk
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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