well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
