I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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