Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
