let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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