well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
