Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
handjob tips. give me some.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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