Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
