"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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