Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How's work?
Spinning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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