put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
COCAINE IS GR8
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
