he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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