the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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