My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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