I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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