I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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