why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
