i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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