I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
