I met the friendliest cop last night
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
