shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
