This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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