I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
