took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
