So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
