matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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