So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
