I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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