Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize