you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
