Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".