I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems