I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
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She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.