we have pet lesbian snakes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.