i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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