My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
