70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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