jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
