I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
