So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
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