You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
