I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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