you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
