So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
