I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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