It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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