my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
