Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
