Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
