Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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