I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So many bounce houses so little time
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
