I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
