i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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