the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
