I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm drive I can fine osifer
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
