did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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