the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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