i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
