oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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